Day #235

Simple rule that is going to work in my case: No more store.

That's a big reason that Sundays are fairly "easy" in my case but, according to the meetings, that's why I'm going to fail.

According to them, I will just as easily end up in a bar at some mysterious point in the future.

I will grant you, the reader, that I have spent a great many periods of my life in bars. It would be foolish to say otherwise.

I would have still been an alcoholic if I had kept my consumption confined to bars, also.

It would have postponed the bottom that I hit last January, however.

Who knows? Maybe I would have hit some sort of civilized bottom at some point.

Day #234

I have been worried about missing a day on this thing before.

Apparently there is a reason to be worried about it.

Of course, Sunday has always been an easy day.

Day #233

One thing that used to be easier when I was drinking was the transition to the weekend sleeping schedule.

Yes, there is a reason I didn't go to the meeting last night.

On the other hand, I did sleep relatively well without drinking and I haven't found a reason to start today, so...

Day #232

Not much to say today.

Meeting scheduled for tonight if I decide to go, but the "higher power" thing is really starting to get to me.

I can hear my counselor from treatment saying that it doesn't have to be god as she tosses another few religious pamphlets at me.

I can hear more and more of the group's members thanking god and telling us that he's the only way.

Maybe I am a freak for not having that particular switch in my head, but I have always, in my own way, tended to believe Pastors when they spoke of god and faith.

That was and still is how my brain is wired, even after the short-circuiting last November.

Day #231

I'm still running through the theological discussion of a few days ago and it still annoys me.

Specifically, the moment when another resident of the group home, in an attempt to be supportive, referenced that tattoo of a devil that occupied a large percentage of his right arm.

That's a remnant of his old life that he now uses to fight his addiction.

No problem there, really, because it's working for him at this point.

I get annoyed by the anthropomorphism of a/the devil in general because he doesn't exist.

Humanity creates enough evil by itself, frankly.

We don't need all that much help with it, in case you haven't noticed.

Day #230

Tests arrive daily, it seems.

That's why it's important to have simple rules for not drinking.

It makes it easier to avoid the idiocy.

Day #229

It was an interesting pre-meeting last night as the director of the group home decided to attempt a conversion with me.

I've had far too many conversations regarding a god in this world to pass another up and Mr. Director had to accept the fact that he didn't really want me to be discussing any god around the group home members.

On the other hand, my sobriety was extended for another day.

So there is that, I guess.

Day #228

I meant to post this early in the morning because I had a point to make, it seemed.

It would be nice to remember just what that point was, but all I can tell you now is that I am dealing with the temptation a bit less that yesterday.

I don't know if it is ever going to go away completely...

Day #227

On the plus side, the thought of drinking didn't seem to bubble up to the surface last night.

At least, not to my swiss-cheese-brained recollection.

Day #226

Once again I find myself with little to say.

On the plus side, the simple rules are helping.

Day #225

The comedy continues as I read and discover that my brain may be trapped in its own chicken/egg question:

...their brains reacted completely differently when confronted with evidence of anger, joy, sadness or disappointment.

Ksenija Marinkovic, one of the study's authors, cautioned that it left one of researchers' most burning questions unanswered: Did alcoholism blunt emotional sensitivity, or did emotional insensitivity come before the alcoholism?

Applying this to my personal experience, it seems to me that the emotional insensitivity was there all along.

Feel free to disagree if you like and good luck with all that...

Day #224

It's kind of funny how certain thoughts continue to race through my mind.

Fortunately, I remain able to let those certain thoughts continue their idiotic ways without actually acting on them.

I would hope that counts as a tiny bit of progress...

Day #223

I can only imagine the terror felt by all three readers here when a post didn't appear this morning.

The main reason I tend to post in the mornings is to make sure there is a daily post, really.

This afternoon, I can still report that I haven't found a reason to drink.

That's been consistent, at least.

Day #222

Last night was the normal meeting and I found myself annoyed in my normal way.

A long time ago, my brain realized what an idiot I was being in regards to the booze but that didn't really matter to me. I had, if you haven't noticed, developed the thirst.

I guess that it was truly realized about 23 years ago. That's a hell of a realization to have.

Day #221

I will admit that my sunny disposition can be a fleeting thing, but that's the way my brain was made in the first place.

If you've ever witnessed such a thing from me, consider yourself lucky in some way, I guess.

On the plus side, I can cheerfully report that another day without booze has been entered.

Hopefully, I can make it through to the next day, as well.

Day #220

There are days that I don't really know what to say.

Fortunately (for this venue) the message has remained the same: I didn't drink last night and woke up just fine this morning...

Day #219

It was a strange sensation this morning when I realized that it was actually Saturday.

For some reason my swiss-cheese brain kept yelling "Sunday" at me, but all of the evidence pointed toward Saturday, regardless.

Keep in mind that this was a completely alcohol-free disorientation.

They do happen naturally, as well...

Day #218

The days continue and I will admit that there are occasional thoughts about booze.

My brain had 20+ years of training for that, remember.

I do think that my one rule keeps me sane, however.

(I do, however, anticipate feeling pity for the person who asks me to pick up some product in one of those stores...)

Day #217

It's remarkable to realize what booze did to my body.

Even more fun when you realize that age keeps going.

What a joyous merry-go-round we live on...

Day #216

Still haven't figured out a reason to drink this morning...

In other words, feelin' fine.

Day #215

The question of court-ordered treatment came up at the meeting last night.

Personally, I cannot see how it works, but it seems better than merely punishing people with the thirst.

It's an individual's decision to get out of that life, I think.

At least I had finally had enough before I expired, frankly.

Day #214

I find it amusing that my habitual nightowlishness continues to this day.

Apparently, it wasn't all booze...

Day #213

I'm thinking that keeping the count is a good thing.

In a way, at least. Making it a day-by-day thing is good method of sobriety. It's just a matter of scale from thinking that you can make it for another minute without a drink, first.

Then make it an hour.

With a bit of luck, you may be able to make it through a number of days without a drink.

Before you know it, seven months may have passed...

Day #212

It's not that I don't want to drink at this point, but I just don't see the point.

At least I got some sleep and still feel the same way.

Day #211

Some fun reading:

Even the most ardent true believers who will be honest about it recognize that A.A. and N.A. have at least 90% failure rates. And the real numbers are more like 95% or 98% or 100% failure rates. It depends on who is doing the counting, how they are counting, and what they are counting or measuring.

Considering a failure rate like that, I'm almost glad that I am using the meetings and treatment itself as more of a "reset" period.

I know that I would have continued on the path I had been on without it, frankly, but the time allowed me to step back and look at what an idiot I was.

My idiocy is continuing, but it's a dry idiocy, at least...

Day #210

With my own computer down (hopefully, a temporary problem...), I'm realizing how much the damn thing is a necessary part of my life now.

It's probably another addiction due to my obsessive ways, I guess, but I can't see how my hobbies can hurt me at this point.

Considering the hobbies I've given up, of course...

Day #209

A coworker remarked that I've changed since before I went into treatment.

For some reason, I am annoyed by the thought.

In all probability, I have changed but I really was kind of fond of the person I was.

Not that I've got a problem with myself now...

Day #208

Being the type of worrier that I am, I'm beginning to wonder what my reaction will be if I get to Day #365.

Hopefully, there won't be any reaction at all, of course.

Day #207

I'm teetering far too close to the overconfidence thing again.

These things happen.

Day #206

There's little to actually say this morning.

I still haven't found a reason to drink due, in large part, to the altogether vivid memories of what drinking was to me in the first place.

Day #205

Last night at the meeting was one of the first times that I couldn't come up with something to say.

Not that I feel bad about it, it was something that doesn't happen all that often.