Day #204

Going into a weekend does cause a little tension in me, but not much.

Depending on what the plan is, as long as there's something it isn't too difficult a thing.

Even if the plan consists of reading.

Fortunately, I have a lot of reading piled up.

Day #203

Short story today: I wasn't looking for a reason to drink and didn't manage to stumble on to one overnight...

Successful day, apparently.

Day #202

One of the effects of the drinking was the stroke I had in November.

I'm not sure if more happened in the time that it took for me to finally end up in the hospital and it really doesn't matter to me.

My right side, in self-rehabilitation mode, tenses up when it's cold and when I'm startled. It's extremely easy to startle me at this point, but it's getting better.

My right shoulder has been sore for a few months now, but it is getting better. I think it got sore because of all the tension it was under after the stroke.

On the bight side, I still haven't found any reason to drink.

Day #201

As odd as it seems, I can actually be on an up-slope of ability at the age of 41.

That's an odd way to think about a stroke, but there it is.

Still haven't found a reason to drink, also.

Upsides all over the place, don'tcha know...

Day #200

Theoretically, I should celebrate a big, round number like this.

I guess if I can celebrate by going home and falling asleep, then celebration it is...

I hate to seem nonplussed by this, but I'm not.

Simple things should be simple.

Day #199

I almost forgot to do this entry today.

I would almost consider that a good sign because I'm not thinking about drinking all that much lately, but I have promised to continue this...thing...for at least a year.

At the very least I have to keep that going, right?

Day #198

I've made it this far and I cannot think of a reason to go back to drinking this morning.

So far, so good...

Day #197

Heading into another weekend.

It's amazing to me how little the calendar matters to me in this way, however.

It never really did matter before, after all.

(On the other hand, I notice that I'm about to reach another big, round Base-10 number - so there is that...)

Day #196

On another plus side, I have retained a sense of humor about all this.

This morning, the gal who replaces me and I were laughing about an event that she went to last night and how she had to drink while she was there.

I did have to ask what method of forcible drinking took place.

Have to be informed in order to avoid, after all...

Day #195

One thing that doesn't agree with my thinking is a lot of the hyperbole thrown about.

Granted, a lot of it is for the reason of effect in the face of stupidity, but some of it just seems off to me.

Day #194

I'm going to thank Kirkrrt for his apparent confidence in me.

I will fore go the usual berating at this time in order to thank him.

Day #193

There's one central idea that should help me in the future: No Shopping.

God knows that I always did enjoy being a kid in that particular candy store, but that's got to be my Rule #1 for the rest of my existence.

That should be a good rule to follow for me...

Day #192

The other thing about Friday's meeting was a discussion on willpower.

I've been told that I have willpower. I've used it before when I dropped 100+ lbs, I know, but there's something about liquor that makes it a funny thing.

Generally I know what the good decisions are but I would use the booze to short-circuit that thought process and make some obviously bad decisions.

At least it was consistent in its destructiveness...

Day #191

Attendance at last night's meeting was smaller than expected.

To be honest, though, I have no idea what drives attendance in the first place.

I was there and that's all I can be responsible for.

Day #190

Another Friday, another meeting.

It is odd to be constrained by the calendar with my meetings, but that's a civilization thing, I suppose.

I didn't bother with that when I was a drunk.

Day #189

To be honest, I feel fairly comfortable with being sober lately.

It's crazy talk like this that can turn into falling off the wagon, but my new rule is going to stay in effect forever, in my head...

Day #188

The funny thing is the fact that I'm not particularly proud of being sober.

It's the natural state of being, really.

In some ways, I think I enjoyed drinking so much because it passed the time so easily.

I'm suddenly remembering the line from a Star Trek movie - "Time is the enemy of us all" - for some reason. I think that was in Generations.

I would add that if time is the enemy, it's undefeated.

Day #187

His name was John.

He had been living in the 12 Step House when I got out of treatment and seemed like a pretty good guy. Almost levelheaded and such.

Apparently, John still had a thirst, among other appetites.

John OD'd and left us this past weekend.

These things (sadly) happen.

It almost makes me glad that I am a traditional drunk and never found other hobbies particularly worthwhile.

Day #186

For some reason, I've been rerunning the morning after I knew I had experienced my first stroke.

The one thought that kept popping up at that point?

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I think that's understandable.

Day #185

At least I remembered to mention the fact that I'm still dry here today.

Like I've said - one the annoying parts of this is the number in the title.

I can't believe how flipped my sleep schedule can get in the matter of two days...

Day #184

I would say that it's fun to see people at a meeting but it isn't.

Especially when the person you run into was an utter annoyance in the first place.

Day #183

Sometimes I have an idea for this spot.

Sometimes I do not.

Guess which type of day it is today?

Oh, well. Still dry up north.

Day #182

As I'm reaching the halfway point of the first year, I find that one of the more difficult things for me is getting the number in the post's title correct.

And I'm beginning to think that my personal secret is staying out of the stores.

Could be.

Day #181

An important consideration came to mind this morning: Most of the triggers I complain about were mostly just excuses.

When I get right down to it, something becomes abundantly clear: I really enjoyed drinking.

Seriously.

Day #180

Once in a while, my brain thinks it can get around the whole situation.

My brain forgets that it was the prime target in the first place, dammit.

Day #179

Got a decent day's sleep and remembered to mention it here today.

Tonight is one of my semi-regular meetings.

I'll probably go for the stop at DQ on the way home.

Day #178

Remarkably, it was easier than I thought it could have been.

Yes, it is amusing when everyone else is drinking.

To some, I'm sure.

Day #177

I guess if I wanted to be cheesy I could say that it's a personal independence day.

Too bad I'm not that cheesy.

Happy Fourth!

Day #176

Things happen.

If you hadn't noticed, my Yahoo!-hosted website blew up last night.

In the past, this would have been reason enough to buy a bottle and spend a few days in a haze fixing what I enjoy doing. The booze didn't make it difficult to work on technical things like this, actually, but it did make the time pass quickly.

I didn't need a reason to drink in the first place, remember, because I am an alcoholic.

I think I'm doing the reconstruction better this time, frankly.

Day #175

Last night there was a South Park rerun.

It was the AA episode.

It had some points, of course, but one main lesson: If you're expecting a miracle to cure your alcoholism you've got a long wait ahead of you.

(Good luck on surviving that long!)

Day #174

I know I've put my body through a lot for a long time with this habit, but a person estimated my age at 57 years last night.

I would be insulted but I've felt 2,000 years old for most of my life in the first place.