Day #357

Well, it's the end of a year and almost the end of this thing.

Fortunately, I don't really have that particular craving as the world begins to slide into 2010.

Unfortunately, I have to bear witness to wholesale idiocy when I get to work tonight.

At least I'll have the memories to keep me dry.

Day #356

Getting as many reminders of the life left behind as I have tonight, I'm a bit happier with the life I have at this time.

Of course, that currently exhibits itself as annoyance, but you know what I mean.

Day #355

Actually, the numbering system of the days seems to be working out, after all.

I could be wrong, of course, but it's close enough for me.

Day #354

It was fun getting to work today if only because it was still time for the Employee Christmas Party.

There's nothing like telling coworkers who won't listen to you to quiet down and being offered a drink as a response.

It was remarkably easy to refuse that drink.

Day #353

Still dry, so there's that.

Day #352

Funny, it's really easy to stay sober when you sleep for about 18 hours.

Of course, you need to stay awake for 38 hours before trying to sleep that much, at least in my case.

So sobriety was as easy as it could be.

Day #351

Have as Merry a Christmas as possible.

I'm having a fairly good one, myself.

Still dry, of course.

Day #350

It's really getting close to the end of this project.

Still sober up north, though, so it's been good both to and for me.

Safe travels to all, of course.

Day #349

Another annoying thing about the effects of my stroke?

The continuing annoyance of typos.

And I meant to type "Dipsomania" yesterday...

Regardless, still sober.

Day #348

On the one hand, it's interesting to have so many names for my idiocy.

On the other hand, I tend to prefer the blunter end of the language.

Fortunately, I no longer consider myself a drunk.

An alcoholic, of course, but not a drunk.

Or even a disomaniac, in this case.

Day #347

What really annoys me about my current brain is how I have to plan absolutely everything.

I can barely keep casual conversation going and it's not like I was ever very good at it in the first place.

At least I don't blame the booze in this case.

Day #346

One of the completely annoying things about my brain post-stroke is how I am unable to think "outside-the-box" at all. At least it seems that way to me.

Still sober over here, however.

Day #345

ibid

Day #344

To be honest, I'm not even sure of the numbering of the days at this point.

And I'm OK with that, frankly.

I know what I've been up to since I started this thing, in any case.

And, yes, I've been sober since then.

Day #343

I had a thought running through my mind regarding what I was going to type about this morning, but that thought has apparently escaped.

If you happen to run into it, please let me know.

Day #342

No one passed out in the rest rooms today, so that's a plus.

I'm still dry, and that's another.

Day #341

'Tis the season, as they say.

I'm sitting at work with a very vivid memory of waking up in the most peculiar places after more than a few drinking sessions.

All in all, I got pretty lucky, at least in most cases.

Unlike the local guy who is currently passed out on the men's room floor.

Him, I'm going to have to call the police for.

Like I said, memories.

Day #340

It's a cold morning.

I would have known that even if I were drinking, frankly.

Of course, I'm not and that's still a good thing.

Day #339

I find it interesting that the brain that I was thanking for a little bit of forgetfulness is still the same in a lot of ways.

It took a few days of not thinking about it, but a number was remembered this morning.

That's annoying.

Day #338

It's one thing to do something that you want to do, it's another to do it without realizing you're doing it.

Either way, it's generally a good thing.

I'll leave it at that for now.

Day #337

Another person who was in treatment when I was stopped by to say hello at work last night.

He said that he's keeping relatively clean.

I'm wondering what's entailed in keeping relatively clean.

Day #336

ibid

These things happen.

Yes, I do know that this isn't the proper setting for footnotes, but it's something...

Day #335

It's one of those days that I am simply not sure of what to say.

Therefore, I fingers don't know what to type.

I can say I am still sober, however.

I don't know what the Lama would say about that.

Day #334

I'm recalling a memory from before I got help.

At an after-hours gathering, my immediate supervisor was "disappointed" that I was leaving after two beers. I explained that I had enough and probably had more of a problem with alcohol than I realized at the time.

She continued with her attempt at peer pressure until I announced I was leaving on my way out the door.

I never did like that supervisor and now I wonder if she was just trying to get me arrested or killed on my way home.

Day #333

Theoretically, there is one month remaining with this project.

You can only imagine what fresh hell may erupt.

Or may not, in all probability.

After all, I'm better now than I was a year ago.

Day #332

Going sober with a night job makes some things easier, I think.

The random falling asleep during the weekends does make it more difficult to think about going out and such...

Day #331

If you thought I was going to forget, I apologize.

Of course, I've been traveling, so it was difficult to remember this, I admit.

Still sober.

It happens.

Day #330

For some reason, I was reminded of a line that I always enjoyed:

Maybe it's not the booze, maybe you're just an (Fill In The Blank Here!)...

Well, regardless, it's nice to have that variable out of my life today.

Have a nice day.

Day #329

I've been trying to think of something to type for six hours now and NOTHING is coming to mind.

Still dry here.

Day #328

No funny picture today - sorry.

I'm still sober, however, so there's that.

Day #327

I was amused, but I guess it's called living.

Oh, and what's a sponsor?

(Yes, I'm still dry up here and never have had a sponsor. Just the way it is, at this point.)

I'm not going to get into how the universe feels about me, at this time...

Day #326

It's all I can do this morning to give an update: Still Dry.

I don't have a problem with that so I don't really worry about how you feel about it.

Day #325

The bottom line of being sober is not drinking.

I'll let you know if I ever get some insight on sobriety.

I'm sober today and hope to make it through another day tomorrow.

So there's that...

Day #324

Well, it's been a year since that brain-blip happened.

If you'd like to get an idea of the strength of my alcoholism, there are forty days left of this blog.

That means that I was still drinking after the stroke happened a year ago.

It's not really a smart thing when you think about it.

Fortunately, still dry today.

So I've got that going for me.

Day #323

It's a basic choice, really: Do I count last night as the anniversary of my first anniversary of my first major stroke event or the night of the 27th, which is tonight.

For now, I'm choosing the night after Thanksgiving because that makes it a bit more memorable for me.

I've got to admit that it was a difficult thing for my brain to accept in the few days after it happened last year.

With all of the dragging-foot-thing my right side had going on, that is.

Day #322

Well, I've made it this far.

I guess I'll be thankful for that.

Hope all is well with each of you today, as well.

Day #321

On the plus side of life today?

I'm still dry and have plenty of examples of why not to go back to that life.

Examples enough for me, at the very least.

Day #320

According to the book, self-respect and dignity will show up any day now.

Frankly, I didn't think they ever really left.

(OK, a few times they did step out of the room...)

Overall, I will admit to remaining dry through another day.

So there's that.

Day #319

Well, another dry day to report.

Of course, there's that big anniversary coming up that you may not know about.

It's a secret, for now.

Day #318

I've made it through another day.

I feel good about that.

Day #317

Just a quick reminder to myself that it's the choice that I have to live with on a daily basis to remain sober.

So far, I am making the correct choice.

That is all I have to say for now.

Day #316

I could be going to a movie later today, speaking of triggers.

Of course, I'm better now.

Fridays alone used to be reason enough.

Of course, I'm better now.

Day #315

With the examples I've been tormented by this week at work, I wish I had never developed the taste for booze in the first place.

This possibly bodes well for my sobriety in the future.

Possibly, but one day at a time, of course.

Day #314

I know, I know...

There but for the grace of god and all that, but people are annoying.

I cannot think of a better scare tactic than seeing people like this, other than having your brain pop.

But that's just me.

Thankfully, still sober today.

Day #313

I would imagine that I should be more patient with people doomed to the life I gave up earlier this year.

I'm not.

It's probably more of an active ignoring of those people, but it's a necessary thing due to my problems with high blood pressure...

I'm happier with my sobriety and that's all I can say at this point.

Day #312

At this point of sobriety, I am frankly amazed when I get a headache. It's a relatively new thing for me since I simply kept myself medicated against such things before.

Yes, it's better to get them when considered against the alternative.

Day #311

According to the book, as long as we're alive, we can expect some discomfort.

Already knew that here, but I just wanted to share.

Have a nice day, regardless.

Day #310

The book talks about the effect of will on sobriety today.

How about survival's effect on sobriety?

Sometimes the question is more basic than that...

Day #309

I'm sure that I got sick like this when I was drunk, but it didn't seem to matter as much at the time.

At least it's Friday and I'm still sober.

Day #308

In other news, I have learned to calm down, even in the face of multiple triggers appearing.

That was something that I needed to do.

Day #307

I would say that it's amusing to notice the triggers encountered on a daily basis, but it really isn't.

That doesn't mean that I don't laugh at them, of course, but I don't really feel it all that much...

Fortunately, still dry.

Day #306

Less than two months to go with this and I've got to say that I'm running out of ideas.

I'm still here, still dry and life goes on.

So it goes...

Day #305

Well, even the book gets it right once in a while.

The reading for the day emphasizes silence.

I'll leave you with that thought for the day.

Day #304

I was late getting this up today for the simple fact that I didn't really have anything to put up here.

Still dry, blah, blah, blah...

I'm just saying, for now...

Day #303

The book talk about accepting the changes in life.

I've accepted a hell of a lot of change, frankly.

I have yet to be all that happy about it.

Day #302

I hate to say it, but another day that I don't really have all that much to say. The book blabs on about "being a man" and such, but I don't really get it.

I've always been tremendously self-aware.

To the point that I would occasionally become confused when I was in treatment.

I guess I'm better now, regardless of that confusion.

Made it through another day, at the very least.

Day #301

I'm drawing a complete blank here.

Fortunately, a dry blank.

So I've got that going for me, at least...

Day #300

I would celebrate the big base-10 number, but it's just another day to me.

I would almost say that I'm no good at quitting, but that's not the problem at this point.

Not that there's a problem, of course.

For some reason, I've got The Police running through my mind right now...

Day #299

I just noticed that I'm about to go through a numerical moment as of tomorrow. At least in our number system since our outlying limbs have 5 fingers per hand and 5 toes per foot.

It's fun for me to think of how that could be different.

Oh, and still dry...

Day #298

Monday mornings generally leave me too tired to care about much of anything, but I did remember this.

Yep, still dry around here...

Day #297

In a strange way that is natural to my brain, I've always realized how lucky I (and humanity in general!) is...

I'm just sayin'

Oh, and still sober and all that...

Day #296

For some reason, I woke up annoyed at nothing this morning.

Then I saw the snow.

That must be it.

On the plus side, I still can't think of a reason.

So I still do have that going for me.

Day #295

I've been thinking about what my reaction will be if I make it through the year that I promised this blog.

I don't think I'll tap a keg in any case that I can think of.

So there's that.

Day #294

The book seems to be the crutch that I'm using now, but the book talks about pessimism as useless and wasteful emotion. I would say the same thing about optimism, frankly.

What is, is.

What happens, happens.

Dealing with it is our only hope.

Day #293

Today the book talks about being worthy of the benefits of recovery.

I like to imagine that I'll see some in the future, but for now I merely have to settle for being alive.

So I do have that going for me...

Day #292

The bad news is that I can't think of anything to type today.

The good news is that I still can't think of a reason to drink today.

I'll have to leave it at that for now.

Day #291

The old saying that I've heard that reminds me of today's theme in the book is that the best time to plant the tree you want where you want it is 20 years ago.

It's a good thought but my mind is stuck in Ozymandias mode, unfortunately.

I do continue to try, though...

Day #290

I find it amusing that so many of the daily reflections in the book deal with noticing the little details that make life worthwhile...according to them.

The amusing thing to me is wondering what life would be like without noticing things like this.

I always have noticed a lot of things that are overlooked by a lot of people.

Granted, I've had trouble seeing things that are remarkably obvious and right in front of me, but that's my deal...

Day #289

It's amusing that the book tells the reader that only through destruction comes a new life.

I was tired of destruction so I stopped it.

Whatever happens after this is whatever happens.

As it always was and ever shall be...

Day #288

I've got to admit that some old triggers never seem to go away.

It's fortunate that I'm able to recognize them as triggers but in a way I always have recognized them. They would give me a purpose when that was an option.

Fortunately, I've been repurposed and it allows me to live.

Hopefully without any more brain-pops.

Those get annoying.

Day #287

Another day, another post.

On the plus side, another sober day.

So I've got that going for me, I guess.

Day #286

I'm really not sure what to type when I disagree wholeheartedly with the daily meditation in the book.

So I guess that's what I will type.

Oh, and still dry.

I should mention that...

(Bonus Note: I did notice that there are options to leave lists & such on the sidebar of the blog so I left the link to the book that I occasionally disagree with there.

Just letting you know!)

Day #285

Touchstones leads off with a Santayana quote:

Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament

I'm not quite sure what to make of that at this point.

To me, it seems almost defeatist, although it reflects my outlook more than I care to admit.

So that's my daily confusion at this point.

Not that it presents a problem or anything like that, but it does lead one to think about it a bit more than most days.

Day #284

I wasn't sure what to expect when I entered treatment, but I do have to say that I wasn't surprised.

It was a good thing, overall, because it gave me a break in the repetition that allowed me to start some new habits.

Of course, habitual becomes tedium after a while and I was prepared for that, at least.

So yes, I am still sober.

Day #283

Sundays are still easier than other days if only because the stores are closed...

That's all I've got today.

Day #282

It's late but it took a while to get through my trigger test of the day.

I headed over to a friend's cabin out in the middle of nowhere that I used to empty one of those fun-sized bottles on the way over to when that was the thing that I did.

Remarkably, I was able to drive the whole way over there today without any additional lubrication.

That would be a better way of doing it, I guess.

Day #281

I've been distracted by the changing forces of nature, lately.

Change truly is the only constant in this life and it's sad for me to see so many people trying to hold back, well, everything...

Believe it or not, still sober as I type that. Ha!

Day #280

Today in the Touchstone book there's a passage about how we don't need to create difficulties in our lives.

For some reason, I found that hilarious.

But, of course I would...

Day #279

All this talk of triggers makes me wonder just how wasted I would want to get after a whole night without any internet at work.

On the plus side, I'm still wondering.

That would be a good thing, I would think.

Day #278

According to the daily book I was given as I left treatment, any thought of moving past my old habits is swirling me back into the same habits.

Well, to hell with that.

I rationally live with my triggers on a daily basis and always will.

I have to.

Day #277

It seems to take a while to figure out what I'm going to type about here.

It's supposed to be simple.

I'm still sober and have been since this damn thing started.

Day #276

It almost feels like the daily update is becoming a chore. It's not, of course...

Right now I find it interesting that I'm now so close to my first year's anniversary of sobriety.

And it doesn't really do anything for me...

Day #275

Apologies to you for missing a post yesterday.

On the bright side, at least it was a mere fatigue reason for the miss.

There was pre-snow stuff to do, after all.

(I did toy with the idea of trying to sneak the Friday post in this morning but there's a reason I'm doing this blog the way that I'm do this blog this way.)

Day #273

Too much reading at night leads me to things like this:

In its essence life is monotonous. Happiness therefore depends on a reasonably thorough adaptation to life’s monotony. By making ourselves monotonous, we make ourselves equal to life. Thus we live to the full. And living to the full is to be happy.

Not that I mind it all that much, really.

Heck, you could even say that I enjoy it, somehow.

Day after day after day...

Day #272

Today's reflection revolves around forgiveness.

I can think of very few people that need my forgiveness.

That's a joke, y'see....

Day #271

Sober Vikings Bonus: I remember the game.

That was something I would have had trouble with by the end of a lot of games previously...

Day #270

I have spent a lot of my life knowing that things that I cannot control could be better.

I still believe I know that.

The frustration comes when people insist on acting like two-year-olds.

I've known since before I stopped drinking that a person has to learn to roll with it to a certain extent and only worry about those things that I have to worry about.

It's still fun to watch the idiot parade, however.

Day #269

Our life's a stage, a comedy: either learn to play and take it lightly, or bear its troubles patiently.
Palladas

These are the continuing thoughts of Earl, still sober after all this time.

These will continue, as well.

Day #268

Even though the weather sucks and that would have provided enough incentive to drink in previous years, at least there's stuff to do...

Day #267

There are a great number of things that annoy me at any one time, but it's getting easier to deal with that as the days roll by.

At least I'm actually dealing with those things instead of numbing myself to them as I used to do...

That's healthier.

Day #266

One thing that I have noticed is how old activities can take on new forms but retain the memories of the boozing.

Not that I really expect much of the previous statement to make sense to anyone, but I'm sure some of it does to a lot of people.

I guess this means 99 days left for this daily posting. I'm sure something will continue, but it may not be daily and it may get a different daily title at the very least.

Day #265

Almost missed it.

Didn't.

Today was "reptiles of the mind" day in the daily meditations book.

I hate to contemplate what the creatures of my mind have evolved into at this point.

Day #264

Today's thought is about bingeing on life instead of the booze.

I can't help but think that THAT is a poor choice of words.

Maybe it's just me.

Day #263

I'm falling into the bad habit of waiting until the afternoon to post this.

On the other hand, if that's the total of my current bad habits, I'll take it.

Day #262

There are some things that could be going better, in my mind.

Those things happen. I've come to accept that without tranquilizing myself.

The staying-sober-thing is still going as well as it can, fortunately.

Day #261

Good golly, the sleep schedule can get messed up fairly easily. I woke up at 3 AM wondering if I had a Friday entry or if I had finally missed a day. I did, therefore I didn't.

On the plus side, I don't see that as any reason whatsoever to consider a drink.

I consider that a good thing.

Day #260

Another big, round Base-10 number.

Yippee!

Or, another day sober.

Something like that.

Day #259

I read the book given by the director of the treatment center daily.

I hate to put it this way, but it rarely helps.

Fortunately, the choice to remain dry stays with me and I realize that it's a better choice.

Day #258

Once again, it almost happens that I miss a day.

Fortunately, I didn't miss a day and here I am.

Still dry and still making it.

Day #257

Overall at this point, I really don't have any complaints.

The time will come, I'm sure, but it's not today.

Day #256

The start of a new week could be the start of something new, every week.

A lot of it depends on the attention paid, I think.

Day #255

It's been repeated that there is supposed to be something out there that will occupy my brain in the same way that drinking would.

I have no real desire to try heroin, however.

Day #254

I am having little, if any, trouble going without at this point.

The simple rules still work at this point.

It's when tomorrow gets here that I begin to wonder.

Day #253

Every once in a while, there are days of work like this day has been.

It's at these times that I remember the words of Leo McGarry:

I'm an alcoholic. I don't need a good reason to.

For some reason, I feel better about not needing a reason in the first place and just forgetting about it for another day.

With any luck, it will be forgotten for another day after that.

Day #252

Memory is a funny thing.

I was 5 or 6 when we moved out of Eagan, MN up to the Range.

I wasn't very happy about it, but tried to think of positives about the move.

One of the positives that I thought of was that there would be fewer drug influences up on the Range than there would be in the metro area.

Maybe I've known what an addictive person I am even longer than I previously realized.

Day #251

As I was reading this morning, I came across this:

I was entirely unaware of just how aligned with doom and misery I am, especially given how I don't really feel the slightest bit doomed or miserable. It's a bit like hearing that, because you enjoy, say, strong coffee and ornithology and reciting Yeats in the shower, your left leg is much more likely to suddenly fall off without warning. Wait, what? Really? My leg? That's ridiculous. My leg feels just fi-- oh wait, is that a tingle? Am I limping?

At least I can say that the original writer and I are feeling better than some stereotypes are at this stage of our lives.

I can also say that that was about how I felt when I woke up on that day in November last year, post-initial stroke...

Day #250

I basically made the decision to not go to the Monday meeting last night.

This, of course, led to a simple question: Are you drinking again?

No. If I were to drink again, it would be obvious. I would probably be going to six meetings a week and sneaking a sip while I wasted an hour in the car.

I would probably be boasting about the program and the wonders it's done for me.

No, I am not drinking again.

My brain doesn't allow me the wonders of sobriety, but that's the way it is when I'm sober.

Day #249

Well, it almost did happen again, but I managed to remember a daily posting here anyway.

Not that there is anything new, fortunately.

Still sober and such.

Day #248

I've got to admit that it's a bit easier during the week when I'm getting paid to stay awake through hours like this.

On the other hand...

Day #247

On the positive side, I got a whole bunch of things done yesterday.

I haven't been able to figure out when I should sleep since then, unfortunately.

Day #246

As I encounter more and more people coming back to the hotel after their drinking sessions until the wee hours, a part of me wants to apologize for the lifestyle for so long.

I would hope that any annoyance caused by me was quickly brought to my attention throughout, however.

This would be a good time for the Kilgore Trout creed: "You were sick, but now you are well again. And there's work to be done."

I'm feeling better now, as well.

Day #245

Things continue to happen that would lead to a session of "going to the Bahamas..."

I do realize that drinking wouldn't make it easier to fix anything.

Fortunately, I do realize that.

Day #244

Every once in a while, I amuse myself contemplating what life would have been without the thirst.

It doesn't last very long because it's useless.

I am who I am and will remain who I am and was for a long time.

Day #243

For some reason, Leo McGarry's quotes are running through my mind:

That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. You have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity...

For some reason...

Day #242

If a person were to ask me how sobriety is, I don't even know what my answer would be.

On the other hand, I am still sober.

I've got that going for me, at least.

Day #241

It's almost to the point where I've accepted sobriety, but I am still happy to simply be sober.

Make of that what you will.

Day #240

All I can really say at this point is that I'm glad for the simple rules.

It's better to keep them simple.

Day #239

Working through the weekend isn't going to be the same as it used to be.

I'm not getting wasted immediately in the mornings.

I would have to say that some changes are for the better, overall.

Day #238

A dilemma is going to present itself on Friday, as it turns out.

The Vikings have a game and one of the few reasons I have been going to the Friday meeting is that I don't have to work on Friday night.

That has changed this week.

I'm not sure that I want to be zipping back and forth to town that many times in a day.

Something to ponder, I guess.

Day #237

On a positive note, I have fewer alcohol-related job crises now.

The ones that I have are due to coworkers, even.

Once in a while, they can even benefit their sober coworkers.

Day #236

I could say that I missed the meeting last night due to the Vikings, but I won't.

It was nearly a well-planned miss of a meeting simply because I needed to miss a few meetings.

It's not that I want to miss the meetings, really.

There are moments that I need to miss the meetings, however, because when I get right down to the basics, I am the only thing/person standing between me and more booze.

That's the skill that needs to be developed more than anything, in my opinion.

Actually, it's not even a skill. I wasn't born with an elevated B.A.C. and it's remarkable to think that I would need one in order to get through another day.

So, in summation, I didn't drink. I didn't go to the store.

I didn't want to.

Day #235

Simple rule that is going to work in my case: No more store.

That's a big reason that Sundays are fairly "easy" in my case but, according to the meetings, that's why I'm going to fail.

According to them, I will just as easily end up in a bar at some mysterious point in the future.

I will grant you, the reader, that I have spent a great many periods of my life in bars. It would be foolish to say otherwise.

I would have still been an alcoholic if I had kept my consumption confined to bars, also.

It would have postponed the bottom that I hit last January, however.

Who knows? Maybe I would have hit some sort of civilized bottom at some point.

Day #234

I have been worried about missing a day on this thing before.

Apparently there is a reason to be worried about it.

Of course, Sunday has always been an easy day.

Day #233

One thing that used to be easier when I was drinking was the transition to the weekend sleeping schedule.

Yes, there is a reason I didn't go to the meeting last night.

On the other hand, I did sleep relatively well without drinking and I haven't found a reason to start today, so...

Day #232

Not much to say today.

Meeting scheduled for tonight if I decide to go, but the "higher power" thing is really starting to get to me.

I can hear my counselor from treatment saying that it doesn't have to be god as she tosses another few religious pamphlets at me.

I can hear more and more of the group's members thanking god and telling us that he's the only way.

Maybe I am a freak for not having that particular switch in my head, but I have always, in my own way, tended to believe Pastors when they spoke of god and faith.

That was and still is how my brain is wired, even after the short-circuiting last November.

Day #231

I'm still running through the theological discussion of a few days ago and it still annoys me.

Specifically, the moment when another resident of the group home, in an attempt to be supportive, referenced that tattoo of a devil that occupied a large percentage of his right arm.

That's a remnant of his old life that he now uses to fight his addiction.

No problem there, really, because it's working for him at this point.

I get annoyed by the anthropomorphism of a/the devil in general because he doesn't exist.

Humanity creates enough evil by itself, frankly.

We don't need all that much help with it, in case you haven't noticed.

Day #230

Tests arrive daily, it seems.

That's why it's important to have simple rules for not drinking.

It makes it easier to avoid the idiocy.

Day #229

It was an interesting pre-meeting last night as the director of the group home decided to attempt a conversion with me.

I've had far too many conversations regarding a god in this world to pass another up and Mr. Director had to accept the fact that he didn't really want me to be discussing any god around the group home members.

On the other hand, my sobriety was extended for another day.

So there is that, I guess.

Day #228

I meant to post this early in the morning because I had a point to make, it seemed.

It would be nice to remember just what that point was, but all I can tell you now is that I am dealing with the temptation a bit less that yesterday.

I don't know if it is ever going to go away completely...

Day #227

On the plus side, the thought of drinking didn't seem to bubble up to the surface last night.

At least, not to my swiss-cheese-brained recollection.

Day #226

Once again I find myself with little to say.

On the plus side, the simple rules are helping.

Day #225

The comedy continues as I read and discover that my brain may be trapped in its own chicken/egg question:

...their brains reacted completely differently when confronted with evidence of anger, joy, sadness or disappointment.

Ksenija Marinkovic, one of the study's authors, cautioned that it left one of researchers' most burning questions unanswered: Did alcoholism blunt emotional sensitivity, or did emotional insensitivity come before the alcoholism?

Applying this to my personal experience, it seems to me that the emotional insensitivity was there all along.

Feel free to disagree if you like and good luck with all that...

Day #224

It's kind of funny how certain thoughts continue to race through my mind.

Fortunately, I remain able to let those certain thoughts continue their idiotic ways without actually acting on them.

I would hope that counts as a tiny bit of progress...

Day #223

I can only imagine the terror felt by all three readers here when a post didn't appear this morning.

The main reason I tend to post in the mornings is to make sure there is a daily post, really.

This afternoon, I can still report that I haven't found a reason to drink.

That's been consistent, at least.

Day #222

Last night was the normal meeting and I found myself annoyed in my normal way.

A long time ago, my brain realized what an idiot I was being in regards to the booze but that didn't really matter to me. I had, if you haven't noticed, developed the thirst.

I guess that it was truly realized about 23 years ago. That's a hell of a realization to have.

Day #221

I will admit that my sunny disposition can be a fleeting thing, but that's the way my brain was made in the first place.

If you've ever witnessed such a thing from me, consider yourself lucky in some way, I guess.

On the plus side, I can cheerfully report that another day without booze has been entered.

Hopefully, I can make it through to the next day, as well.

Day #220

There are days that I don't really know what to say.

Fortunately (for this venue) the message has remained the same: I didn't drink last night and woke up just fine this morning...

Day #219

It was a strange sensation this morning when I realized that it was actually Saturday.

For some reason my swiss-cheese brain kept yelling "Sunday" at me, but all of the evidence pointed toward Saturday, regardless.

Keep in mind that this was a completely alcohol-free disorientation.

They do happen naturally, as well...

Day #218

The days continue and I will admit that there are occasional thoughts about booze.

My brain had 20+ years of training for that, remember.

I do think that my one rule keeps me sane, however.

(I do, however, anticipate feeling pity for the person who asks me to pick up some product in one of those stores...)

Day #217

It's remarkable to realize what booze did to my body.

Even more fun when you realize that age keeps going.

What a joyous merry-go-round we live on...

Day #216

Still haven't figured out a reason to drink this morning...

In other words, feelin' fine.

Day #215

The question of court-ordered treatment came up at the meeting last night.

Personally, I cannot see how it works, but it seems better than merely punishing people with the thirst.

It's an individual's decision to get out of that life, I think.

At least I had finally had enough before I expired, frankly.

Day #214

I find it amusing that my habitual nightowlishness continues to this day.

Apparently, it wasn't all booze...

Day #213

I'm thinking that keeping the count is a good thing.

In a way, at least. Making it a day-by-day thing is good method of sobriety. It's just a matter of scale from thinking that you can make it for another minute without a drink, first.

Then make it an hour.

With a bit of luck, you may be able to make it through a number of days without a drink.

Before you know it, seven months may have passed...

Day #212

It's not that I don't want to drink at this point, but I just don't see the point.

At least I got some sleep and still feel the same way.

Day #211

Some fun reading:

Even the most ardent true believers who will be honest about it recognize that A.A. and N.A. have at least 90% failure rates. And the real numbers are more like 95% or 98% or 100% failure rates. It depends on who is doing the counting, how they are counting, and what they are counting or measuring.

Considering a failure rate like that, I'm almost glad that I am using the meetings and treatment itself as more of a "reset" period.

I know that I would have continued on the path I had been on without it, frankly, but the time allowed me to step back and look at what an idiot I was.

My idiocy is continuing, but it's a dry idiocy, at least...

Day #210

With my own computer down (hopefully, a temporary problem...), I'm realizing how much the damn thing is a necessary part of my life now.

It's probably another addiction due to my obsessive ways, I guess, but I can't see how my hobbies can hurt me at this point.

Considering the hobbies I've given up, of course...

Day #209

A coworker remarked that I've changed since before I went into treatment.

For some reason, I am annoyed by the thought.

In all probability, I have changed but I really was kind of fond of the person I was.

Not that I've got a problem with myself now...

Day #208

Being the type of worrier that I am, I'm beginning to wonder what my reaction will be if I get to Day #365.

Hopefully, there won't be any reaction at all, of course.

Day #207

I'm teetering far too close to the overconfidence thing again.

These things happen.

Day #206

There's little to actually say this morning.

I still haven't found a reason to drink due, in large part, to the altogether vivid memories of what drinking was to me in the first place.

Day #205

Last night at the meeting was one of the first times that I couldn't come up with something to say.

Not that I feel bad about it, it was something that doesn't happen all that often.

Day #204

Going into a weekend does cause a little tension in me, but not much.

Depending on what the plan is, as long as there's something it isn't too difficult a thing.

Even if the plan consists of reading.

Fortunately, I have a lot of reading piled up.

Day #203

Short story today: I wasn't looking for a reason to drink and didn't manage to stumble on to one overnight...

Successful day, apparently.

Day #202

One of the effects of the drinking was the stroke I had in November.

I'm not sure if more happened in the time that it took for me to finally end up in the hospital and it really doesn't matter to me.

My right side, in self-rehabilitation mode, tenses up when it's cold and when I'm startled. It's extremely easy to startle me at this point, but it's getting better.

My right shoulder has been sore for a few months now, but it is getting better. I think it got sore because of all the tension it was under after the stroke.

On the bight side, I still haven't found any reason to drink.

Day #201

As odd as it seems, I can actually be on an up-slope of ability at the age of 41.

That's an odd way to think about a stroke, but there it is.

Still haven't found a reason to drink, also.

Upsides all over the place, don'tcha know...

Day #200

Theoretically, I should celebrate a big, round number like this.

I guess if I can celebrate by going home and falling asleep, then celebration it is...

I hate to seem nonplussed by this, but I'm not.

Simple things should be simple.

Day #199

I almost forgot to do this entry today.

I would almost consider that a good sign because I'm not thinking about drinking all that much lately, but I have promised to continue this...thing...for at least a year.

At the very least I have to keep that going, right?

Day #198

I've made it this far and I cannot think of a reason to go back to drinking this morning.

So far, so good...

Day #197

Heading into another weekend.

It's amazing to me how little the calendar matters to me in this way, however.

It never really did matter before, after all.

(On the other hand, I notice that I'm about to reach another big, round Base-10 number - so there is that...)

Day #196

On another plus side, I have retained a sense of humor about all this.

This morning, the gal who replaces me and I were laughing about an event that she went to last night and how she had to drink while she was there.

I did have to ask what method of forcible drinking took place.

Have to be informed in order to avoid, after all...

Day #195

One thing that doesn't agree with my thinking is a lot of the hyperbole thrown about.

Granted, a lot of it is for the reason of effect in the face of stupidity, but some of it just seems off to me.

Day #194

I'm going to thank Kirkrrt for his apparent confidence in me.

I will fore go the usual berating at this time in order to thank him.

Day #193

There's one central idea that should help me in the future: No Shopping.

God knows that I always did enjoy being a kid in that particular candy store, but that's got to be my Rule #1 for the rest of my existence.

That should be a good rule to follow for me...

Day #192

The other thing about Friday's meeting was a discussion on willpower.

I've been told that I have willpower. I've used it before when I dropped 100+ lbs, I know, but there's something about liquor that makes it a funny thing.

Generally I know what the good decisions are but I would use the booze to short-circuit that thought process and make some obviously bad decisions.

At least it was consistent in its destructiveness...

Day #191

Attendance at last night's meeting was smaller than expected.

To be honest, though, I have no idea what drives attendance in the first place.

I was there and that's all I can be responsible for.

Day #190

Another Friday, another meeting.

It is odd to be constrained by the calendar with my meetings, but that's a civilization thing, I suppose.

I didn't bother with that when I was a drunk.

Day #189

To be honest, I feel fairly comfortable with being sober lately.

It's crazy talk like this that can turn into falling off the wagon, but my new rule is going to stay in effect forever, in my head...

Day #188

The funny thing is the fact that I'm not particularly proud of being sober.

It's the natural state of being, really.

In some ways, I think I enjoyed drinking so much because it passed the time so easily.

I'm suddenly remembering the line from a Star Trek movie - "Time is the enemy of us all" - for some reason. I think that was in Generations.

I would add that if time is the enemy, it's undefeated.

Day #187

His name was John.

He had been living in the 12 Step House when I got out of treatment and seemed like a pretty good guy. Almost levelheaded and such.

Apparently, John still had a thirst, among other appetites.

John OD'd and left us this past weekend.

These things (sadly) happen.

It almost makes me glad that I am a traditional drunk and never found other hobbies particularly worthwhile.

Day #186

For some reason, I've been rerunning the morning after I knew I had experienced my first stroke.

The one thought that kept popping up at that point?

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I think that's understandable.

Day #185

At least I remembered to mention the fact that I'm still dry here today.

Like I've said - one the annoying parts of this is the number in the title.

I can't believe how flipped my sleep schedule can get in the matter of two days...

Day #184

I would say that it's fun to see people at a meeting but it isn't.

Especially when the person you run into was an utter annoyance in the first place.

Day #183

Sometimes I have an idea for this spot.

Sometimes I do not.

Guess which type of day it is today?

Oh, well. Still dry up north.

Day #182

As I'm reaching the halfway point of the first year, I find that one of the more difficult things for me is getting the number in the post's title correct.

And I'm beginning to think that my personal secret is staying out of the stores.

Could be.

Day #181

An important consideration came to mind this morning: Most of the triggers I complain about were mostly just excuses.

When I get right down to it, something becomes abundantly clear: I really enjoyed drinking.

Seriously.

Day #180

Once in a while, my brain thinks it can get around the whole situation.

My brain forgets that it was the prime target in the first place, dammit.

Day #179

Got a decent day's sleep and remembered to mention it here today.

Tonight is one of my semi-regular meetings.

I'll probably go for the stop at DQ on the way home.

Day #178

Remarkably, it was easier than I thought it could have been.

Yes, it is amusing when everyone else is drinking.

To some, I'm sure.

Day #177

I guess if I wanted to be cheesy I could say that it's a personal independence day.

Too bad I'm not that cheesy.

Happy Fourth!

Day #176

Things happen.

If you hadn't noticed, my Yahoo!-hosted website blew up last night.

In the past, this would have been reason enough to buy a bottle and spend a few days in a haze fixing what I enjoy doing. The booze didn't make it difficult to work on technical things like this, actually, but it did make the time pass quickly.

I didn't need a reason to drink in the first place, remember, because I am an alcoholic.

I think I'm doing the reconstruction better this time, frankly.

Day #175

Last night there was a South Park rerun.

It was the AA episode.

It had some points, of course, but one main lesson: If you're expecting a miracle to cure your alcoholism you've got a long wait ahead of you.

(Good luck on surviving that long!)

Day #174

I know I've put my body through a lot for a long time with this habit, but a person estimated my age at 57 years last night.

I would be insulted but I've felt 2,000 years old for most of my life in the first place.

Day #173

The upcoming weekend would be a test for most alcoholics.

The beers will be all around me and the people will be enjoying them. (I hope!)

That really wasn't my type of problem in the years before I did the quitting thing.

I don't think it will be a problem this weekend.

Day #172

Simply put, I didn't drink yesterday.

I don't plan on drinking today.

(Plus I just noticed that I'm nearly at the halfway point in this year. Of course, that doesn't really matter...)

Day #171

Well, at least with my diet I think I have found some balance. I've been remarkably good about eating my oatmeal, at least.

I can only imagine how much I could eat if I ate everything that I wanted to.

Of course, I've been north of 300 lbs before and don't really want to go back...

Day #170

The topic of last night's meeting was balance.

I still find the topic humorous if only because I've been working on it for 6 months, now.

Day #169

There was concern about plans for later today and that something may cause me to miss my meeting.

The concern was not mine. I'm feeling fairly comfortable not drinking, frankly, and can only imagine what it would be like picking that up again.

I will continue to go to meetings, of course, but missing one or two or four doesn't matter to me if I remember to not drink in the first place.

I know - stubborn - and that's the problem.

Or the solution.

I get confused sometime.

Day #168

Dammit. I was going to bring up something that was actually interesting but my swiss-cheese-redesigned brain lost what that was.

Oh, well.

Still sober.

Day #167

I hate to say it, but every once in a while it seems like I'm a broken record here.

On the other hand, only about 14% of people that go through treatment make it through their first year and I do think that would be a good start.

At the very least, of course.

Day #166

Every once in a while, I try to think of what my definition of drinking is.

Foolish thought, really...

Day #165

To me, it's important to continue feeling my mood swings.

It's better to be more in control of them, of course.

Day #164

There's a part of me that knows how simple it is to not drink.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of parts of me that know how to drink.

It's a good thing for me that the not drinking part of me is still winning.

Day #163

At least I get a decent night's sleep sometime.

That happened this morning, apparently.

Day #162

I believe it's better, overall, to be calm.

This morning that was tested by a golf group that threatened my job if I didn't give them keys to rooms that weren't theirs, followed by a couple of girls that said animals were being mistreated in the back parking lot.

I went out and checked for that and remain as confused as ever.

This would be one of those days, frankly.

I'm glad I get to sleep through most of it.

Day #161

Continuing from yesterday, I also can say that I do miss the occasional field trip to the frontal lobes.

That's what drinking was for me. An ever-deepening (and intense) dive straight into myself. It made the random thoughts lightening-fast for a little while and I enjoyed that.

Yes, I can still do that without the booze, but my brain insists that there is a difference.

Day #160

I hate to say it but there are moments when I do miss going to the bahamas...

If you know what I mean, you know.

If you're confused, don't worry about it because I am better now.

Day #159

At the meeting last night it was interesting to tell about the fact that I had acknowledged how I was an alcoholic about 20 years ago. I do recall the question being asked and I had replied that yes, I am an alcoholic.

I then asked for that person to freshen up my drink, as I recall.

At least I was pretty good at the gallows humor, if only in my mind...

Day #158

It's Monday and one of my usual meetings is tonight. Last week, people were acting like children and that made me cranky.

They knew they were acting like children after I had my say.

Apparently, I've been set in this behavior for a long, long time.

The booze has nothing to do with it...

Day #157

Today was, as Sunday's usually are, no problem.

On the other hand, the question of definitions popped into my head this weekend. I'm pretty sure that I don't need to be thinking about those definitions for another 200+ days...

Day #156

Last night at the meeting, the question was how our lives have changed since we gave up the booze.

Not stopping at the liquor store every time I could was about the biggest change I could think of.

I do have a better chance of living longer at this time, I guess, but the unknown nature of the future means that it cannot be relied on.

Day #155

In the book that program director Sue gave me when I finished treatment, yesterday's theme was all about the pissing contest that life is in many ways and how we are supposed to be beyond that with the help of the program and a "higher power."

I feel a little better about not caring about the numbers that title each day here for that.

It isn't, after all, a competition, right?

Day #154

Well, at least I'm too damned tired to even think about drinking this morning.

That works, as well.

Day #153

I'm beginning to think that the program itself doesn't have as much to do with my not drinking as the fact that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired*...

(*Line stolen from The Common Man)

Day #152

Just an annoying thought that bubbled to the surface this morning: What if I happened to see a movie in the late 80's that I took completely wrong?

For example, Gordon Gekko's "greed is good" speech:

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

What if, for all these years, I had it all wrong?

Mind you, I don't think I did have it wrong in any case, but I do see the point in some ways.

Just as I lack some other beliefs, it seems, I was born without the greed gene.

Couple that with the availability of intoxicants and my problem was born...

Day #151

I could spend hours worrying about doing more paperwork so I could possibly see another doctor this year, but that would cause me to see another doctor sooner with the blood pressure situation being what it is.

On the plus side, I don't have quite the same rage going without the booze.

I do have petty annoyances, though, even without the drink.

Day #150

One reason I don't pay attention to the rounded Base-10 numbers?

Today is (theoretically) one of those important numbers and yet I've got nothing extraordinarily special to say today.

Basic fact: another day without any booze.

That's all I've got.

Day #149

I've been sitting here for two minutes staring at the screen and yet nothing comes to mind.

On the plus side, still saying "no" to the booze.

Day #148

I would have something funny to say at this point, but all I can say is that I haven't touched the stuff...

That is the point, isn't it?

Day #147

Interesting article that may point to a reason for the (typical) alcoholic's racing mind.

Interesting because I think it is, at least:

Although we each have the ability to generate multiple perspectives, we typically become enamored of only one way of approaching a problem—with its accompanying embrace of the truth and error. We tend to stop on the first pass. Dialectical bootstrapping allows us to tap more perspectives that are already inside our own heads.

I believe I've been thinking this way for a long time.

Frankly, I kind of like it.

I may have become attached to it by this point.

Day #146

I know I didn't get enough sleep yesterday and I do begin to wonder why I have trouble falling asleep.

That's the way it is, it seems, and it has been that way for my entire life.

(No wonder I used alcohol to the point that I did, in a way...)

Day #145

Again, I hate to sound overconfident, but I seem to be getting the hang of this.

Should count for something, I guess...

Day #144

It remains to be one of the most frustrating things that can happen to me: the internet connection going completely and randomly funky on me. It seems to be working now but it remains to be seen if it will be working in 3 minutes...

(I admit that the post has little to do with anything, but I recall what happened after nights like this before...)

Day #143

Yesterday I was on the way to visit someone and had time to stop in at Wal-Mart. I was wearing my sunglasses because it was a beautiful day out. Also, it was nice to finally have a haircut.

As I walked into the store there was the usual rush of people that have just checked out as they jostle for position for getting out of the door as quickly as possible.

One of the first faces that I saw was this person that was in treatment with me for a week before graduating. It's amusing to me to see the look on a person's face when they go through the shock of recognition and scurry away before they have to acknowledge me.

These things happen.

Day #142

Spurious Argument Theater: Even with a new haircut I didn't really have an overwhelming urge to drink.

I was urging myself to sleep for a while, though.

Day #141

There is being tired and then there is being overtired.

Guess which one I am.

C'mon...guess...

Day #140

There's something nice about the round numbers that appeals to the Base-10 in me.

Day #139

There are times when the day annoys me.

That puts it in a very long list of things, frankly, but that's what I'm used to.

Day #138

I'm not even sure what to type up today.

The KISS principle remains high on my list of things to do.

(Keep It Simple, Stupid)

But you knew that...

Day #137

I shouldn't spend so much time thinking about the rules...

That's when my brain tries to find so many ways around it.

Day #136

Yes, it's still one day at a time and I'm still Earl.

That is all that you need to know for now.

Day #135

At this point, alcohol isn't really the problem. I still do remember how bad it got and have no desire to return to that point.

I'm still fairly certain that I'm not going to live forever, though.

Jim Morrison told me so...

Day #134

Strangely enough, the internet is not really a trigger.

Thank god for that.

Day #133

Due to the internet being down at work (and greater Virginia!), today would have been one hell of a big trigger in older days.

Fortunately, I'm already calming down about it.

Day #132

Not to be skeptical, but this article is more true than I care to admit. The medical problems I've gone through made me more a believer in me than anything the program, which I consider worthwhile for many, would consider a higher power.

I've taken the long view of my problem and learned to stay away from that first step of buying the stuff in the first place. Sometimes it can be that easy, really.

I used to use the bottle to continue making bad decisions time and again.

Now I just make'em on my own...

Day #131

In a strange dream sequence yesterday, I was in possession of two cans of beer. There was an argument at that point of the dream as I attempted to exchange them for something else.

I wish I could tell you what the resolution of the argument was, but it was at that point that I woke up.

Later, that day I made it to my Monday meeting and things seemed to keep going along fine.

Odd.

Day #130

Ah, the joys of reaching another base-10 milestone number.

If I were a kidding type, I would have to ask if this entry is only time today...

HA!

Day #129

Just in case you thought had forgotten, I had not. I'm thinking that after a year of this I may give it up, but have about 230 (+/-) days left to wonder.

It's still Sunday, thought, so I still have time to acknowledge another day.

Day #128

Words of the Day last night - anonymity and balance.

First off, there have been some complaints about people broadcasting the group and individual names in public. That remains a good reason for me to be the way I am as I walk through Target.

The other word, balance, was the description used of a life "well-lived," I guess. Seeking the proper ration of work/play/etc. in our lives.

That hasn't been my problem, so I focused on the fact that I had to re-learn my balance over the past few months.

At least that part of it seems to be going well.

Day #127

I have fallen behind in the reading of the daily meditations, I'm afraid.

On the other hand, I seem to be reading more and more each day and I've even been able to complete a couple of online puzzles and crosswords which I didn't seem to have the patience for a couple of months ago.

Just in time for the summer.

Day #126

On the brighter side, I've come to accept the fact that I popped my brain for one simple reason: I'm getting better.

I've noticed that I can speak fairly well even though I have some strange random pauses when I do speak. Another perceived problem is staying on message once in a while.

That happens when I type, as well.

Also noticed is the fact that my walking is improved. My right leg still acts like a dead weight on occasion, but I can even walk up stairs without the handrail now.

Overall, (most) things are better.

Day #125

Once in a while, I do tire of the recollections of the past that a meeting seems to consist of.

I do understand the necessity of it all, but I am trying to move on.

Day #124

I wonder what I would have done for one of these a few months ago.

Or today.

Day #123

Welcome to the new day, of course.

And, for me, welcome to a whole new set of triggers.

They happen, of course.

Day #122

Another day passed and Sundays are easier at least.

The stores are closed.

Day #121

Time to go to the movies today.

Day #120

Today marks 4 months of this.

I hate to sound overconfident, but so far I remain confident.

Day #119

Made it through another day unscathed and I still cannot think of a decent reason to start it up again.

I guess that counts as a win.

Day #118

From my book Touchstones for Monday, when I learned of the tragic events of the weekend:

Detachment is a mature and wise way of dealing with life experiences. It is sometimes difficult because it challenges our maturity. How can we take failure lightly when we have been taught all our lives to be winners and to accept every dare? How can we stand back from a loved one who is anxious and in pain, still be supportive, but not take charge as if it were our problem?

We can question some of our old ideas. Maybe we were wrong to think we should always be Prince Charming who rescues maidens in distress. Maybe our ideas about being winners have been compulsions that stood in our way of having true friends.

The odd thing is that my co-workers generally think that if I were any more detached from this world that they would begin to really wonder about me...

Day #117

I first met Buck on my final day in the treatment center. He was moved into the bed next to mine as I was packing and moving out.

He had moved into the 12 Step House after he finished treatment. I saw him there a few more times over the weeks as I attended my Monday night meetings at the house.

I was told that Buck got a weekend pass last week. Apparently there was drinking, an argument, and a stupid, final act.

Buck won't be coming back to the 12 Step House.

Day #116

Seemed to get a bunch of stuff done yesterday. Old deck relocated. Some siding removed. Docks set into the cold, cold water.

It all went fairly well, but it is interesting to do things like that now.

I had my coordination-thing down pretty well. I could yank a stump out of the ground and know where my feet needed to be in order to keep my center of gravity in balance and all that.

Not so well, anymore.

Not horribly bad, but enough to be noticeable.

That's enough for me, I guess. Time to keep learning all that.

Day #115

There's nothing quite like ripping the siding off the house...

Nothing.

Day #114

Oh, my.

That's what a decent night's sleep feels like.

Day #113

As I breathe a sigh of relief when the computer remembers yet another password for me.

Well, into the weekend we go!!

Day #112

As the continuance moves along...

Day #111

I was at a meeting the other day and a thought popped into my head. The thought was a continuation of a video I remembered seeing while I was in treatment that stated how a relapse is imminent once a person forgets the bottom that was reached. Everyone has a different rock-bottom, of course, but mine was one where I had come to the realization that my physical health was extremely threatened.

Hell, it was threatened to the point that I was losing control of my body, it seemed.

Once I was in the hospital and my head had been scanned, it was evident that a stroke had taken place. Of course, that was due to my blood pressure but that was out of whack due to my affair with booze.

So...to this day, I've got a reminder of my rock-bottom every time I get out of my vehicle and walk. It's getting better, mind you, but any sense of smoothness in my gait is gone for now and my brain makes the connection every time for me.

I do appreciate the effort it's going through, though.

Day #110

A little late here today...

There was something that I wanted to explain, but I don't recall right now...

Day #109

Still making it, apparently.

Day #108

Regardless of the weather, it's another new day.

These things happen...

Day #107

Kind of a cool weekend going here, apparently...

Day #106

I'm planning on a different meeting tonight. It's chaired by Earle at the treatment center I went to.

Nothing wrong with mixing it up every once in a while, I guess.

Day #105

A fairly good morning in oh-so-many ways.

Trust me.

Day #104

I should not be this tired.

I slept well yesterday, but here it is...

Day #103

Regardless of whatever else at this point in time, everything seems to be going fairly well.

Except that.

And maybe that.

Argh...

Day #102

On Day #100, I got the opportunity to stop by the treatment center and drop in to see Antonette, my counselor.

It was nice to talk to her again, even as I begin to pass through the memories of everyone that works there.

I'm supposed to, actually. In the long run, it's what happens when you work with a lot of people.

Day #101

Actually got a decent night's sleep for a change. That's nice when it happens.

Day #100

Alert! Big (not very!) round Base-10 number alert!

Just so you're aware.

Day #99

99
I've been waiting so long...
Oh, 99

There's a song I have not heard in a while...

Day #98

At least that one thing I'm working on is going relatively well.

Of course, it is kind of important...

Day #97

Once again, I'm almost thinking that this stuff is easy...

Day #96

I am thinking of going to a meeting on Wednesday night in place of my Tuesday night...

There are different theories on this...

Day #95

Too tired to do anything but leave this line for you.

Day #94

I hope everyone has a good Easter.

That is all.

Day #93

A travel day.

These things happen, I guess.

Day #92

Heading off into another weekend. It used to be easier to transition into these weekends, I think....

Day #91

Almost forgot to mention it this morning...

Day #90

We were talking about AA's organizational structure (there isn't any...) last night at a meeting.

One of the AAers in attendance referred to himself as an "Alpha" dog.

Seriously, I believe that to be one of the last things an actual alpha dog would say.

I'm just saying that I'm glad to be at 3 months, apparently.

Day #89

Too tired to even really think straight at this point, it seems.

Eventually I get to go to sleep today...

Day #88

There's not too much going on today but I will have to admit that I'm kind of tired...

Day #87

Sundays were almost always the easiest kind of days to make it through...

Day #86

There will be further commentary later, perhaps, but for now I will just say I'm glad to still be here...

Day #85

Made it...again.

(Really, I hate to seem overconfident but it has gotten a lot easier in the past couple of weeks...

The reason I hate to get overconfident is because that's exactly when the substance gives another try...and I don't want that!)

Day #84

If I can manage to figure out my scanner at some point today, there's going to be a pictorial treat for you guys tonight...

In other news, Day #84 isn't looking too bad, either.

Day #83

Not that there's all that much going on today, I guess, but it is nice to make it past another day, I guess.

Day #82

On my way to work last night the snow was fairly heavy.

Then it quit and I have not seen anymore as of this point. It is nearly 5 AM....

5:45 AM Update - I just got an email from the Duluth News-Tribune warning me snow and blizzardlike conditions. It's still not snowing here, though...

Day #81

Well, after 81 days, the last I heard is that Livingston is still in Texas and yes, once again the snow is about to fall...

Day #80

Big, round, base-10 number alert!!

They happen.

Day #79

For some reason I've got the Jimmy Buffett song "Livingston's Gone to Texas" running through my head.

Nothing here is different
Nothing's changed at all
Livingston's still in Texas
The snow's about to fall

That's not a bad thing, of course.

Day #78

Once in a while I do question WHY I am keeping this day-count-thing going.

Day #77

...as the days continue to waltz on by...

Day #76

Hey! That was my old football jersey number!

Something happened that year, also...

Day #75

I mentioned before that it shouldn't be a matter of willpower that is stopping me from drinking.

Allow me to explain.

I will agree that willpower is a hell of a thing. Frankly, my willpower is a fairly strong feature of mine.

Willpower is an active descriptor to me. It's not something that can be put forth easily in my mind to describe a non-action for me. "I'm not drinking something that is chemically similar to some type of intoxicant" really isn't all that active a sentence.

So I do not like using the term willpower to describe what has happened. I do like the term vigilance, though.

That's what it should be described as.

Day #74

Feeling relatively OK, apparently.

Day #73

It was interesting to talk to some people about what's going on.

I went to lunch yesterday with Steve. Stopped and talked to Lisa yesterday.

Fun, fun.

Day #72

As I mentioned before, it is amusing to recognize the triggers that used to drive me.

Amusing and sad in some ways.

Day #71

There are times when I remember some of the really good triggers and want to get some serious drinking going.

Then I remember that it isn't an option anymore and I feel better, actually.

I'm assuming that's a good thing.

Day #70

Funny to read my own thoughts once in a while...

Day #69

One of the things that I find amusing is how people react to me just being normal at this point.

After all, I always was a serious-type person.

That was the way I was before I drank.

That was the way I was when I learned how to drink.

I am still a somewhat serious-type person since I've given up drinking.

Funny how a little bit of behavior modification doesn't change everything, hmmmm?

Day #68

Perfectly fine in a lot of ways today, I guess...

Regarding Willpower

Read the original here:

Dr. Dave: Bill, here's a letter to us from Mona, who's 34 and already twice divorced -- both times from drunks. "You know what's wrong with men in America?" she writes us. "All this talk about addiction being a 'disease' -- which is just some lefty, liberal, new-age babble put out by people like you two. What's wrong is that it keeps men from developing a backbone, and taking responsibility for their lives, their families and marriages. Even AA says people who drink suffer from a character defect. Meaning they're morally weak and deficient in willpower, right?"

Bill: Mona, let's talk about willpower. Take an alcoholic or drug addict without a penny in his pocket. Deposit him, friendless and alone, in a blue-nose town (like the old-time Philadelphia that W.C. Fields used to bemoan). Dump him there at 6 a.m. Sunday morning, broke and hungover, the bars and liquor stores closed. He'll find a way to get high before noon. That's willpower.

That's comedy...

Day #67

There is some contemplation regarding willpower and an earlier question taking place as you read this...

Day #66

Well...At least the weather is improving...

Day #65

It was an odd realization that I had last night.

The stroke was actually the final "soft" landing I had.

It had gotten to the point for my body that the only "hard" landing left for me was actual death, I think.

Just a nice thought I had...

Day #64

If it turns out to be a matter of willpower now that would make it a bit easier for me...

Day #63

No real urge to end the current streak at this point.

That's a good thing, I suppose...

Day #62

It is nice to know that the aggravation is still pretty easy to get even after I've done the quitting thing...

Day #61

...and all is well in that regard for today.

I am getting that whiny feeling about the walking-thing since the stroke, but that's how it gets better later.

It's just that I learned how to walk on the old legs over the course of 40+ years and it's a pain to start that stuff over...

Day #60

As has been said, here's to today.

Yet another day in a continuing series of days...

Day #59

The way that a lot of people think when they first attempt to quit drinking is that they want to quit drinking forever.

That would be just like walking into a barber shop and asking for the last haircut you will ever need. Regardless of how short the hair gets, it will grow back.

That's why the quitting drinking thing is a one day at a time thing.

It has to be...

Day #58

There it goes!

It Happens...

The odd bits of nostalgia that happen led me to copying this signature from my copy of the big book:

Find your center of your center; when your there don't forget the middle of the end of where you started to be when you got here because you don't want to go back to the start of the end again.

I don't see how it could be clearer than that.

Coming Soon...

I'm going to type a little bit from a book of meditations that was given to me.

Kind of funny.

Day #57

So far, so good...

Day #56

By the way, I guess...

Half the Battle

Once the joke is realized, the rest is darned easy.

That's all I can say about that.

When Duke was a Zombie...

If anyone remembers when Zombie Duke (Renamed Legume!) was driving Rick Redfern to the airport in the comic strip Doonebury, any assistance would be appreciated...

Day #54

One of the (many) things I have been getting used to is the hyper-reflexive state of the right side of my body.

It makes me walk funny, for now...

That Other Thing...

I do need to keep paying attention to and tracking is my blood pressure.

It's 133/72 today.

Nearly human!

Day #53

Still not a problem, though overconfidence needs to be watched for and put down quickly...

That and this continuing sickness...Yick.

Day #52

Seven days out of treatment.

Things are going about as well as I expected, I guess, except for the unexpected illness.

I guess I'll make it through today...

The Timing Sucks...

Just out of treatment and now sick as the proverbial dog.

These things happen, apparently.

Day #51

It's still a new day and I'm feeling even more sick than I was yesterday. Body aches still suck.

Of course, surviving without the booze is still the other thing.

Just to Mention a Few...

Thanks do have to go out to Steve, Char, Deb, Kirk, Diane, Sheryl, Lisa, Darlene, Chuck and Chelsea.

To say the least.

The long journey still does have to go step by step, though.

One Thing I've Learned

From A.A.'s Big Book:

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful!

Don't forget to add relentless to that list as you read it in your mind...

Optimism, I Guess...

Rereading the earlier post, there's little I can say.

Optimistic, I guess...

Day #50

It would mean something to me except for one thing: It doesn't mean a damn thing to me.

Since the decision was made to go with sobriety, there was one thing I knew would be bothering me on days like this: It is a "forever" type of decision.

Granted, it's an easier decision to make when the alternative is death, but even that is an overstatement. I wouldn't die the minute I had another drink, in all probability, but knowing that the booze starts to make the decisions for me at that point does allow me to realize that I simply cannot go back at this point.

At what point can I go back? When I am the last living person on the entire earth.

There wouldn't really be any sense in hanging around at that point, I guess.

Day #49

That's a picture of my heart that was taken when I was a patient at St. Mary's Hospital in Duluth, MN.

There was real-time movement of blood on the monitors, as well.

Neat stuff and all I've got for now, I guess.

Another Day, Less Sleep...

These things happen, of course.

Today was the day that two of my friends in the program were "graduating" from the program.

I attended so that I could give them a bit of a hard time and tell them to be careful.

It's their time to deal with themselves, I guess.

Day #48

It's getting better, I guess, but it still doesn't make sense to me to count days or celebrate rounded-off base-10 numbers too much.

It's going to be a long way to go at this point, right?

By The Way...

This is the front of the medallion I received for my graduation from the 28-day treatment program.

If you would like to see it when you see me, all you have to do is ask.

News...

Regarding the commenting policy here, at least.

I have disabled the word verification step for comment posting because, in the words of kirkrrt, it was taking too long.

There may be a bit of spam due to this step being removed, but we're all adults here, right?

Still Day #47

At least for another 45 minutes or so.

Today was an easier day for me. I don't know exactly why, but it was.

I may have been a bit overexcited to get out of treatment yesterday, I suppose, and not getting any sleep before work didn't help.

It's a better day today, though.

Still can't think of a reason, so that's good...

Day #47

Keep it simple, stupid.

That's the phrase running through my head time and time again...

Moving In To Day #47

Work is relatively free of alcohol triggers for me.

But it is a constant drone of nicotine triggers at the same time and that's a bit frustrating.

Still Day #46

I'm at work now.

Overall, I would have to say that it's a good thing that One Day At A Time has been emphasized in the program thus far...

A very good thing.

Day #46

I'm out of treatment and searching for triggers. I can't really count breathing as a trigger, though.

Day 41

I've got 5 nights to go here in treatment, so the posts will continue to be limited at this point.

Have a nice day...

Still In Treatment...

I've gotten it set up and I'm ready to go when I get out.

The first step has been taken.