Day #173

The upcoming weekend would be a test for most alcoholics.

The beers will be all around me and the people will be enjoying them. (I hope!)

That really wasn't my type of problem in the years before I did the quitting thing.

I don't think it will be a problem this weekend.

Day #172

Simply put, I didn't drink yesterday.

I don't plan on drinking today.

(Plus I just noticed that I'm nearly at the halfway point in this year. Of course, that doesn't really matter...)

Day #171

Well, at least with my diet I think I have found some balance. I've been remarkably good about eating my oatmeal, at least.

I can only imagine how much I could eat if I ate everything that I wanted to.

Of course, I've been north of 300 lbs before and don't really want to go back...

Day #170

The topic of last night's meeting was balance.

I still find the topic humorous if only because I've been working on it for 6 months, now.

Day #169

There was concern about plans for later today and that something may cause me to miss my meeting.

The concern was not mine. I'm feeling fairly comfortable not drinking, frankly, and can only imagine what it would be like picking that up again.

I will continue to go to meetings, of course, but missing one or two or four doesn't matter to me if I remember to not drink in the first place.

I know - stubborn - and that's the problem.

Or the solution.

I get confused sometime.

Day #168

Dammit. I was going to bring up something that was actually interesting but my swiss-cheese-redesigned brain lost what that was.

Oh, well.

Still sober.

Day #167

I hate to say it, but every once in a while it seems like I'm a broken record here.

On the other hand, only about 14% of people that go through treatment make it through their first year and I do think that would be a good start.

At the very least, of course.

Day #166

Every once in a while, I try to think of what my definition of drinking is.

Foolish thought, really...

Day #165

To me, it's important to continue feeling my mood swings.

It's better to be more in control of them, of course.

Day #164

There's a part of me that knows how simple it is to not drink.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of parts of me that know how to drink.

It's a good thing for me that the not drinking part of me is still winning.

Day #163

At least I get a decent night's sleep sometime.

That happened this morning, apparently.

Day #162

I believe it's better, overall, to be calm.

This morning that was tested by a golf group that threatened my job if I didn't give them keys to rooms that weren't theirs, followed by a couple of girls that said animals were being mistreated in the back parking lot.

I went out and checked for that and remain as confused as ever.

This would be one of those days, frankly.

I'm glad I get to sleep through most of it.

Day #161

Continuing from yesterday, I also can say that I do miss the occasional field trip to the frontal lobes.

That's what drinking was for me. An ever-deepening (and intense) dive straight into myself. It made the random thoughts lightening-fast for a little while and I enjoyed that.

Yes, I can still do that without the booze, but my brain insists that there is a difference.

Day #160

I hate to say it but there are moments when I do miss going to the bahamas...

If you know what I mean, you know.

If you're confused, don't worry about it because I am better now.

Day #159

At the meeting last night it was interesting to tell about the fact that I had acknowledged how I was an alcoholic about 20 years ago. I do recall the question being asked and I had replied that yes, I am an alcoholic.

I then asked for that person to freshen up my drink, as I recall.

At least I was pretty good at the gallows humor, if only in my mind...

Day #158

It's Monday and one of my usual meetings is tonight. Last week, people were acting like children and that made me cranky.

They knew they were acting like children after I had my say.

Apparently, I've been set in this behavior for a long, long time.

The booze has nothing to do with it...

Day #157

Today was, as Sunday's usually are, no problem.

On the other hand, the question of definitions popped into my head this weekend. I'm pretty sure that I don't need to be thinking about those definitions for another 200+ days...

Day #156

Last night at the meeting, the question was how our lives have changed since we gave up the booze.

Not stopping at the liquor store every time I could was about the biggest change I could think of.

I do have a better chance of living longer at this time, I guess, but the unknown nature of the future means that it cannot be relied on.

Day #155

In the book that program director Sue gave me when I finished treatment, yesterday's theme was all about the pissing contest that life is in many ways and how we are supposed to be beyond that with the help of the program and a "higher power."

I feel a little better about not caring about the numbers that title each day here for that.

It isn't, after all, a competition, right?

Day #154

Well, at least I'm too damned tired to even think about drinking this morning.

That works, as well.

Day #153

I'm beginning to think that the program itself doesn't have as much to do with my not drinking as the fact that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired*...

(*Line stolen from The Common Man)

Day #152

Just an annoying thought that bubbled to the surface this morning: What if I happened to see a movie in the late 80's that I took completely wrong?

For example, Gordon Gekko's "greed is good" speech:

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

What if, for all these years, I had it all wrong?

Mind you, I don't think I did have it wrong in any case, but I do see the point in some ways.

Just as I lack some other beliefs, it seems, I was born without the greed gene.

Couple that with the availability of intoxicants and my problem was born...

Day #151

I could spend hours worrying about doing more paperwork so I could possibly see another doctor this year, but that would cause me to see another doctor sooner with the blood pressure situation being what it is.

On the plus side, I don't have quite the same rage going without the booze.

I do have petty annoyances, though, even without the drink.

Day #150

One reason I don't pay attention to the rounded Base-10 numbers?

Today is (theoretically) one of those important numbers and yet I've got nothing extraordinarily special to say today.

Basic fact: another day without any booze.

That's all I've got.

Day #149

I've been sitting here for two minutes staring at the screen and yet nothing comes to mind.

On the plus side, still saying "no" to the booze.

Day #148

I would have something funny to say at this point, but all I can say is that I haven't touched the stuff...

That is the point, isn't it?

Day #147

Interesting article that may point to a reason for the (typical) alcoholic's racing mind.

Interesting because I think it is, at least:

Although we each have the ability to generate multiple perspectives, we typically become enamored of only one way of approaching a problem—with its accompanying embrace of the truth and error. We tend to stop on the first pass. Dialectical bootstrapping allows us to tap more perspectives that are already inside our own heads.

I believe I've been thinking this way for a long time.

Frankly, I kind of like it.

I may have become attached to it by this point.

Day #146

I know I didn't get enough sleep yesterday and I do begin to wonder why I have trouble falling asleep.

That's the way it is, it seems, and it has been that way for my entire life.

(No wonder I used alcohol to the point that I did, in a way...)

Day #145

Again, I hate to sound overconfident, but I seem to be getting the hang of this.

Should count for something, I guess...

Day #144

It remains to be one of the most frustrating things that can happen to me: the internet connection going completely and randomly funky on me. It seems to be working now but it remains to be seen if it will be working in 3 minutes...

(I admit that the post has little to do with anything, but I recall what happened after nights like this before...)